Journal Entry 12/6/09

This started as a journal entry, but became prose instead…

   “Morning thoughts. why do they feel so heavy? Why does my heart ache with wanting? Why do I feel so low, weighed down by these chains in my head? My feet are dragging, and I hesitate to move forward on the path while I carry such baggage.

  Let me go, painful apathy. Let me go you tears of sadness. Let me go icy fist that clenches my throat, stealing my breath,  halting the words of appeal. Let me go memories of fire and anguish, sneaking outward from the corners of my mind, ambushing my solitude. Let me go deep well of emptiness, swelling with black emotional waters,  flooding my dreams. Let me go daggers of guilt from the past, railing me for all those things I did not do. Let me go you gaping jaws of poetry threatening to devour my brain.

   I am taking wing into the eagerly awaiting skies, blue like the ocean on a sunny day. I am bathing in the waters of the Goddess, cleansing away the grime of a life lived harshly. Sloughing away the taint of a world who taught me to lie. Discarding the pain of those experiences that ripped away the soft innocence of youth, forcing me to build walls, learn warfare, and stock my heart with flaming arrows. I have no need of such pain, such mental anguish. I have discovered a strength within myself more powerful then the force of the sun, and more unbreakable then battlements of stone.

   Re-birth can be painful, and though none comforts me in my time of trial, although no arms hold me, there are no tears. I have learned to accept pain. I have learned to be alone.

   They say no man is an island, but I am no man.

   Imagine if you will, a sea of sapphire blue, calm with certainty. Rising above it a verdant hill of green, with a lone tree at it’s peak reaching eager limbs to an azure sky.  This is me, an island.

  When the waves are tossing madly on my shores, when the swells are angry and frothing with sinister white caps, I will not be moved. My stubborn earth accepts these assaults with the knowledge that I can weather such storms.

  I was created by the Goddess, and she did not shape a fragile toy, pretty to look upon but useless for any practical application. I am her tool, accepting her ministration and direction, pulled and twisted into the shape of her need.

   Touched by fire, re-formed in the molten core of the mountain, melted down and poured into the mould of life, expanding myself to fill the cracks.

   I am Wild Woman,  child of the forest, a bastion of majik, the paragon of truth. I walk the unseen, hidden pathways of the mind where the only light is that which is found within. I dance to a tune so long ago forgotten that only I can hear it’s rhythm. Blowing in the wind, swaying with the grass, singing the song of the hunter, and the hunted. I am balance.

   Follow me now, for I am the Piper calling your soul to break it’s chains, luring you over the edge where you must either spread your wings and fly or die. 

   I was given this gift, the light of my words, and I will now shine it into your darkness.

   I am your chariot and I will carry you safely through the shadow lands, delivering you scoured clean, wiser and stronger on the other side. Do not fear, do not lament, do not look behind you at the life you are leaving. Death comes to all of us in many forms, and the only constant is change.

     If I could impart to you one lesson, if the last words I utter are written here, then let it be simply this: Love. The most terrifying and beautiful force in the world should never be thrown away, spoken lightly of, or measured in terms of adequacy. Grasp every moment offered and hear every unspoken word, for all of us are born alone, and a reaching hand is too valuable to be discarded.

   Live with the knowledge that you are capable of standing alone, but you will never grow, never learn, without taking a chance. Without venturing out of your own comfort zone to swim in deep waters.

   Do not fear this change, for even mountains will crumble to dust, and nobody can halt the merciless procession of time.

   Love fully, without fear, restraint, or hesitation… honestly, without judgement, and with all of your heart. I say this from experience, that it is better to feel and be hurt, to hope and be damned, to reach out and be burnt, then to never let yourself fall. Do not deny the promptings of your heart.

            Love. Just love.

   The greatest wisdom I could give to you, and the only answer worth hearing.”

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