Journal Entry 2/14/10

“I don’t really have words you know, at least not any I’m willing to part with. I just fake it. Every day, I blather away, carefully skirting around the things I will not utter, and the secret that tears my heart to little sheds. I am alone, in such a complete sense of the word. This worry, this ache, that I do not trust another to bear. So many reasons why I cannot jump, cannot say the things that would ease me…or hurt me further. So many reasons why I run.

I am a coward you know, the woman who built her life on personal strength and solitude, running from the darkness like a child to a blanket. So many things to bare all at once, so many punches to roll with. I have been beaten by them, these mental vacillations. Twisted ’round with indecision. Part of me wishes nothing more than to gamble, but a greater part has seen the error of too much emotion in the presence of your friends. I will not allow others to carry the weight for me, I am perfectly capable of holding my own.

Still…There are moments when the temptation is so close….”

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3 thoughts on “Journal Entry 2/14/10

  1. annonamous

    “I just fake it…I am alone…I do not trust anouther to bear…So many reasons why I run.” Thankyou for being so vulnerable. Now I am not alone. I am a coward who is so used to dying I leap towards the void so as to cut short the nauseating anticipation. I love you for being so brave. what a strange thing to write. What does a sensitive do with all the pain she can feel in this world? I read your prose and poetry to break myself free from my own writer’s block, free from the numbing voice of this inner critic. I read your stuff to connect with my voice when all I can hear are the crazed ramblings of the world and the strange thought patterns they use to rationalize their desicions and life away. Please keep writing, you are a gift, you are a light, you are nessasary. We are the deities that roam this incredible mystical planet, learning as if from amnesia, how to operate our powers. Anything can happen. Everything is possible. You are not alone. You are connected to the mystics by the invisible thread, beaded with life force, that keeps us each alive. We need each other. Oh God help me.

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