Sorry, I cannot be your messiah, I am currently booked ’till the end of the world- which is in precisely 20 months and 5 days from the time I write this.

   I am lacking in amazing super powers, and I cannot heal the blind or turn water into wine. I CAN however turn 5 dollars into a six pack of beer, and I can make bread and fish rain from the sky if I throw them up into the air.

  I am pretty handy with a pen, and my written word has been known to do strange things to people, but nobody has ever fought wars over the interpretation of my intent. I have never had a large group of my buddies volunteer to follow me around and offer to aid me in my quest to fill notebooks, nor have I ever had my feet washed by a prostitute.

   I admit that I WAS reborn once, and I do occasionally wear a crown of thorns. White robes look quite smashing on me, and I do prefer the company of the poor and destitute over the wealthy.

   So yes, I can see how you may get confused, but I would have to politely decline your offer. As I said, I’m quite busy, so you will have to find a suitable replacement. Does anyone know if ‘ol J.C. had an understudy?

   Now just run along and pester some other wanna be wise man, your shadow is blocking my page.


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