Journal Entry 5/3/11

   “I don’t really bother these days, it all seems like more trouble than it is worth… Why would I chase after laughter and smiles? Why would I chase after anything at all?

  I have no inclination to convince you, sway you with my logic, or trick you with my words… I could care less what you do with your life.

   I’m tired of a pathetic game of hearts where all I seem to be dealt are spades… I’m tired of people who do not hesitate to take from me, but are consistently absent when I wish the same from them… I am tired of being looked down upon for my gender, my feelings, my spiritual beliefs… I am tired of being seen as an inconsequential thing in the midst of everybody elses pressing concerns…

   I could find a person who is not so very terrified of depth in my gaze. I could find a person who would hold me when the darkness comes and never judge me for my vulnerability. I could find someone who offers me their hand without the fear that I may take it…

   I could find someone with a little compassion…

   Don’t look at me, or pluck my heartstrings. Don’t make me laugh or dance like a fool. Don’t pull me back in, don’t lie to me with your eyes, don’t hurt me so deftly with your little jokes… Leave me in peace…

   I would rather not be a friend of yours at all if this is what it means to be near you… I would rather walk away and never look back if all you have to give me are fistfuls of regret.

   I have been there in every way I know how, but my paltry gifts are scorned upon by your discerning eye… So if it’s a fan you want, someone to shout your praises to the heavens and fall down to worship at your feet. If it’s a doormat you need, a person who just accepts all your dirt without sharing any of their own. If you need a band-aid to stop your bleeding, an inanimate thing that simply does you a service without any requirements of it’s own. If you need a weapon to do all the dirty work for you… Go somewhere else.

   I’m tired of it… I am a person, a true sentient being with a heart in my chest…

   Did you forget that?”


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