Journal Entry 7/18

“So here I sit at my desk upstairs, with a flickering candle and a confusion of thoughts in my brain… I notice a lot of my journal writing is about pain and confusion, and I think it’s just my way of venting, breathing, letting it all go somewhere safe and quiet; on a page, where I can see it more clearly. It is soothing to sit here in my den, composing the mental mess into a semblance of order with light strokes on this virgin page…

 It always looks messier at first when you are cleaning. You find all sorts of funky things you had forgotten, embarrassing little cast-off dreams shoved under the rug, a lucky penny that has fallen into the cracks of you, a box of memories you never seem to have room for… I rearrange my head with this little pen, dusting away the worries and causing clouds of doubt to permeate the air till I sneeze. Scrubbing away the layers of my years, the accumulation of grime and moving around the big ideas to find all the dust bunnies hiding beneath them.

… (a few hours later)… Insomnia… Pounding at my door, peering into my windows, lying in my bed where it does not share the pillow and pushes me out till I find my desk again… After a certain hour my thoughts turn lean, I have used that word before for the description of this thin atmosphere of head space, and it is a very fitting one… My pen tends to slip and fall on the steep slopes of all those mountains I tried to tell myself were just mole hills… My eyes bend around the curved walls of reality and blur into the abyss of a persistent, pervasive, relentless wakefulness… Gravity turns a sharp gaze my way, bearing down upon me with an increasingly stubborn pull untill my head is weightless and my feet are 1,000 pounds… Common sounds of the forest around me are suddenly strange and unreal, vibrating in my skull and blending into one another until they are a consistent buzz of background static… My hand cramps up from the eight hours of holding a paint brush and screams it’s complaints about my fruitless obsession with a pen. I have a death grip on this little rubber casing and I cannot seem to let go. My hand is stuck in the writing position, I may as well make use of it…

Rambling, senseless, wonky thoughts in my head. Nothing is really rational at this point, but I seem to have a profusion of memories, images and feelings: The smell of cinnamon, unexpected visits, warm houses that do not belong to me, rain on my shoes and in my hair, soda cans instead of beer, a lonely blue pen in a jar full of black ones, holding my key, cheap tampons, thoughts of ‘girl power’, Longing and ignored, last minute plans, ‘ pool game a no go’, country music, an orange truck, constellations at midnight, chocolate donuts, patchouli oil, velvet skirts, daisy chains and laughs, softball, Bear Creek Falls, Barter Faire, running out of gas and running out of ink, running in the forest while I cried and running in a field as I laughed, catching a grass hopper on my finger for my birthday…

Oh my, I need to stop… Must sleep… Must rest… Nothing good can come from this gargantuan explosion of self… I will sit quietly here, in the epicenter of this soulquake and feel my tectonic plates shifting beneath me… Daylight has begun to pad across my carpet on silent feet and I do believe that was just a bird calling outside… What time is it…? I would wrestle an alligator for a sleeping pill right now…

I apologize my dear journal, you seem to always bear the brunt of my tortured thoughts and run-on sentences…”

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4 thoughts on “Journal Entry 7/18

  1. you would wrestle an alligator for a sleeping pill???….hold on….im gonna go jack the first mf i see with some halcion then ;oP JK…im getting my annual sleep study done right now….talking about insomnia…they estimate im down to 7-10 hrs of sleep a week…3-4 hrs every 3-4 days….so im DEF cray cray…almost 5150 time for me LOL…so if your bored and cant sleep…just bug me…ill be up for sure…PEACE !!!

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  2. wow.. i’m sorry buddy insomnia is a hard burden to bear… do you know what i mean about that thin head space thing? it’s the only good word i could think of to describe it… like high altitude or oxygen deprivation… can’t seem to get the hang of it

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