Journal Entry 11/30

” ‘Let go, let go,’ says the eagle in the tree. ‘Let it pass’ says the river, and I do.

What is your life worth? What do you have that can be sold for your freedom? How much would you be willing to part with if it meant happiness? A new chance is blooming, cresting the horizon like the dawn of a new day, and all you have to do is grasp it.

I held on so long, my foolish pride whispering in my ear, telling me it could be done. I can persevere, or so I thought, that the end result would be worth the bloodshed. Ahh, but how ignorant was I to be waging the wrong war. How naive was I to stake my claim on the wrong patch of earth? How gullible was I to believe my sacrifice would wash clean the stain of memory in the very stone and soil of my past? How could it be that I struggled so in vain to absolve sins that were not mine?

Anicca, says the moon, and I agree.

Let it all go, like sand from my fist.

I have been cloistered in this sullied nest for far too many years, and it is high time to spread these woefully underused wings. I care not what the future holds, or even if the decision is the right one. It matters not at all if I burn every bridge behind me when I go, for go I must.

This is not a valley, it is a gaping hole in the earth, a mass grave of the dead and dying remains of those who could not dig their way out… But not me. I will shovel the black and frozen earth with my bare hands until my fingers bleed, and flap these arms until evolution gets the not so subtle hint that it is time to fly.

I do not care if the decision is the right one, I care only that it has been made. They say the first step on the road to recovery for an addict is admitting the addiction, so now I take the initiative. I have become addicted to the small world that I live in, and all the seven seas are now calling me back to life.

Do not bother to give me your opinion, it does not matter to me.

Fiat.”

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