One Is A Lonely Number

“Sadness finds it’s way onto me, yeah on any given day

And I just wind up feeling guilty

I don’t know how many times I told ya, I don’t know how I ended up this way

It’s as if sometimes I have just halted

Stopped dead in my tracks…”

– Melissa Ferrick

 

I lost my heart… again

Tried to hold on to it, tried to hide it from your smiles and chain it down with fear… but

To no avail

I could not explain why I run

Why simplicity grips me with panic

How blissful thoughts of you were like a terrifying intrusion

DO NOT FALL, I said to my silly womanish need

But it did not listen

 

So many times I have fallen from that cliff

Plummeted screaming to a gory death of hope

No arms cradled safely my landing

Was not soothed by forget-me-nots

Why do I push you away?

As if you were the boogeyman

Lurking under my bed all this time

Waiting to grab my ankles?

 

Perhaps I know myself too well

It may be that I find you too beautiful

That the ugliness of me is too sharp a contrast

To the flawless topography of your heart

 

I am a pernicious weed in your well tended garden

 

So now with a sigh

And a tear you will never see

I let you go like a big red balloon

High above me into the clouds

And I ache with your passing

If only for the parts of you

That I will never know

 

Such a heavy heart to bear

Weighing me down

Like pockets full of rocks

With the tide coming in fast

Hungrily devouring the sand

That once was scattered with our footprints

 

Swaying with a loneliness

That grips me with fear

Sadness hounding my gaze

As yet another beautiful sunset

Slips beneath the waves

 

It is easier this way

I tell myself untruthfully

Like ripping off a band-aid

In one violent motion

Easing into the hurt

 

I fall too easily in my old age

Tripping on the mere sight

Of green eyes and a comic’s quip

When I should be watching where I’m going

And not hanging my hopes

On weightless apparitions

That fly where the wind blows

 

Yet I was glad to have been a passing fancy

If that is truly what I am

Made me feel beautiful for a while

Like I never had any scars

And that I had never been broken

 

Damn you…

 

It was so easy, you know

Or maybe you don’t

You have no way of knowing

What sort of broken glass

I have crawled through to get here

And how it felt

To be looked at…

Like that

 

 

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