Ok folks, this post is not for the kids. If you take yourself very seriously, if you do not have a very well developed sense of humor and find it difficult to laugh at yourself, this post is not for you. If you don’t think a good old fashioned penis joke is still funny, move along.
I hesitated to put this here on my blog, but then I decided that if you, my dear readers, have not figured out by now that I am going to throw you a wild curve ball every now and then, it is about time you went running with your glove. So…
I am currently reading Rob Brezsny’s “Pronoia is the antidote for paranoia” the revised and expanded edition, which makes me so happy every time I open the pages, and vindicated in my stubborn dedication to spiritual deviance. I highly recommend this book to anyone, I don’t care who you are, just read one page. I dare you not to smile at least once.
One of the many things Rob endorses in the book is a humorous look at self reflection. By imagining our problems or demons as big, scary, serious things we feed them, and make it harder to address them. He offers a few exercises to lighten the mood and get you “warmed up” so to speak, preparing you for the fast and loose state of mind required for reading further. One of these was called How To Have Great Laughing Sex, and just the title made me laugh. It goes like this: Make an essay on how to have great laughing sex that does not require physical intercourse. This should be a cleansing and fulfilling rewarding experience for both of you. Allow me to quote from the book for a little clarification:
“Optical intercourse, also known as “making eye babies,” occurs when two people gaze into eachother’s eyes long and deeply.”
So here is the essay that I wrote. It should make you laugh, maybe gasp, and leave you in a better mood when all is done- and please, don’t be so SERIOUS.
How To Have Great Laughing Sex
Grab a partner, any partner; it could be a friend, your lover, an enemy of yours or a complete stranger, but go find yourselves a secluded grassy field. This meadow must be reached down a muddy path that you both walk with bare feet, feeling a wet squish, and one of you should slip and fall comically on to their ass at least once. When you reach the sunny opening in the trees you should both remove your clothes and hang them on bushes like you are reverently dressing a Buddha statue. Then join hands in the center of the field and chant these words: “Hokus pokus hanky panky, sexy legs and fuzzy blanky, tickle you until you giggle, watch your booty shake and wiggle!” Then commence tickling eachother in un-conventional ways.
When you are ready to move on from this activity you should find all the parts of your body you are unhappy with and laugh at them as if you find them hysterical. If you have any flabby bits perhaps you can make them talk for your partner, perhaps telling them a joke you learned in fifth grade when you still thought the word peepee was relevant. Present to them your balding scalp for their loving admiration, let them stroke and kiss it for you like it was a booboo. Allow them to wonder at the highway of your stretch marks as they hitch-hike from your right thigh to the left.
If you have a penis perhaps you can weave a grass hat for it and give it a French accent, regaling your partner with the proper way to cook pasta “al dente”. Laugh at your terrible French accent. If you have a vagina perhaps you can stand on your head and say something like “look I’m a birdbath!” Then both of you think of the basest, raunchiest sexual terms that you find offensive and make them funny, make them yours, give them new meanings, maybe act them out through outrageous bodily poses. Example: Sausage pocket, meat truck, pearl diver, the Holy Crown, ect.
Now by this point you should be laughing so hysterically, so fully, that you can hardly breathe, caught up in the shear absurdity of the situation you find yourself in. At this stage the two of you should look, to any hapless outside observer, like a bunch of raving, naked, dirty lunatics. This is good, don’t panic, don’t back out now, just own it. Chuckle, snort, wiggle and giggle until you both lie sated and spent on the grass.
Much love N’ virtual back slapping to Rob Brezsny. You will find him flashing the cosmic wild card here: