Waiting It Out

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This miasma, foul air
Vapor from the shameless exhales of chatter
Pollute my lungs with every patient breath
Leaving a residential tar more cloying
Than this cigarette, or any other
Crutch I have leaned upon

In these eyes lurk a feral glow of savagery
Are you so blind that you would smooth my jagged shape with polish
Because I’m blurry about the edges, and ill-defined?

Do you think adjusting your gaze intently
Will alter the reality of my flesh and bone?

I will meet you here naked in the golden light of dawn
Bare, shameless in my possession of flesh
This moment is mine, immersed in solitude
Yet no walls defend my gratifying silence

I would welcome the song of two heart beats dancing
While this rain whispers “yes” to every denial
Opposing each fear you unwittingly buried
Or uttered with shame in that silence you covet

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For The Mothers

For Simon

When I first held you
Red, wet and beautiful
Felt the breath in your small body
Looked into those eyes
Seeking and clouded
As you turned for the first time
To the sound of my voice
I knew then, why I came here

I felt a shifting within me
Deeper than I ever knew
Or believed myself capable
Of an emotion so tangible
That it physically gripped me
In my once lonely heart
And in that wordless moment
I gave you my soul

All the strength I possess
Every lesson hard won
Is a gift for you
To lead you onward
In your pursuit of dreams
And a life lived well

You are my sun and moon
My horizon, my ocean
I vow always to guide you
With empathy and honesty
To be your port in the storms
That will surely try to sink you
As your vessel sails
The swells and sorrows
Of love and learning

I am a Mother, a mountain
Your mirror and your sword
The day you came into my life
I became two people
Growing larger inside
Making space for your laughter
In the hollow places
Where once only sadness
Lay silent and serpentine

We make a circle, this family
Connected by threads
Gossamer yet unbreakable
Invisible, intangible
And more beautiful than a sunrise
On the first day of Spring

I Am A Rose With Many Thorns

Once, winter cut through me, despite my layers
Like a knife in my back that was undeserved
I bled on my long walk homeward, soiling the snow
Ice condensed on the toes of my boots, the ends of my long hair,
Swished and scratched across my collar
There was sorrow there, in darkness
Where I did not use my flashlight

I drank a few beers to distract from my distress, but still, that road was long and quiet
I would find myself speaking Shakespeare and Masefield into the darkness
Warding off bears and and other musk-scented demons from the shadows of my mind
With poetry…

With solace and metaphor

Yet still I was haunted with echoes, as if it were a ghost
And not the memory of those words that hounded me

My time here is limited, these lessons are sacred
Moments when Will becomes stronger than weeping

My own heartbeat, my own silence teaches more
Than any book I have ever read

HERE I am, in this moment of Aloha
I see how my path has led me to the sea
As I knew it would, for I am liquid…
Now I must learn to SEE with these new eyes
To be as open as the horizon that surrounds this island

I remember the lessons so dearly won
Never again will I give until my heart breaks with sadness
For one who enjoys being broken

The emotion that I am feels the tide, pushing me outward
Challenging the solidity of a grounded theory

I know the storm has just begun,
This blessing of rain
Must water me, even amidst the deluge
For I am the floods of Autumn, the cleansing destruction
Quenching those who thirst for that bare naked truth
Found only in the depths where sharks are swimming
This is my Power, I am a river, and sometimes it is difficult to see the current
Before it rips away your careless footing
And it’s ass over teakettle into the flow

I may talk too much but I never speak lightly
So believe me when I say;
I cannot lift you up if you won’t take my hand
I will never be your crutch or carry your weight
I am walking the path of my own making, leave your judgement at the door or don’t come in

Now go blaze your own trail into the ominous night
Search among your shadows for a glimmer of light
Make friends with the ever present fear and desire
Until you burn with your own inner wisdom and fire

For-H

Hey There Sister

Where to? I ask you
Anticipating not ever, the words were true

Yet despite circumstances, your own inner ache
Never did you attempt to be shallow or fake

To be aware of your faults makes your message hit deeply
The flavor of your words I hold close, they keep me

Remembering, to look further afield
To never forget the power I wield

In the stroke of my pen, in my moderation of thought
Such perspective our unique confluence has wrought

Aloha for being just who you are
Uniquely shining in your constellation of scars

You have given me the space to find my way
As well as the illustrative words to say

I appreciate the person you have chosen to be, And remain blessed to bask in the shade of your tree

 
To my Soul Sister
C

To Jim Roberts With All my Love

So cold in the shadow of woe and loss

Struggling to pay the daily cost

How many took with selfish greed?

Every green dollar and it’s hopeful seed?

Not you my friend, whom others spurned

Your company so firey, it burns

Of what you uttered, too scalding for most

The sinuous dance, the wild boast

But I knew you then, and loved you well

Thourouly, beneath your spell

And you should know what you meant to me

How friendship then was rarely free

So what you gave in your simple way

Means more that trite words will ever convey

Thank you for being so fiercely youself

Despite all those who have you Hell

And thank you for being there so late at night

When storms were raging, as I went seeking flight

For drying my shoes, my tears, and my babbling streams

For hanging your hat on the myriad dreams

What a person you are… what a spirit, what a man

What a friend I am so lucky, to hold in hand

Call From An Old Friend

 

Yes i do

Remember  you

when the dark demands an honest hue

 

I danced for your adoring eye

Beneath a starry, knowing sky

And when the sun arose, I flew away

For lack of worthy words to say

 

How could I speak what I did not know?

And so with the current did I flow

 

So small my love to you had been

Terrified to let me in

So sad that I would struggle so…

To be loved by two, who would rather go

 

So gently into the gathered night

While still, my caged spirit fights

Keeping demons silent, at bay

Though secretly we yearned to pray

And to Hell with those who judged the cost

Sometimes I dream of what we lost

Journal/poetry entry 12/16/17

 

The cold brings me back, as it bites my bones

To those aching hours spent alone

When the brush of my pen was the only sound

In pages that whispered on frozen ground

Immutable mountains looked down without remorse

A river cut stone in Her sinuous course

And beside her I ran, where a pathway cut clean

Sharpened  my edges, and made myself lean

Hard enough, to stand firmly with ease

Yet soft enough, for my prose to appease

 

A poet disembodied from the roots of her craft

Must make of circumstance a feasible raft

Constructed from metaphor, closer to any truth

Than all the bald faced lie of youth

 

Night winds blow through my shallow layers

A solitary moon receives my prayers

This moment is made to reflect, refract

That ambiguous line between TRUTH and fact

It has been too long, my arrival here

This seat, this home, this blessed year

 

I give you now my friendly eye

This blackened thought, this starry sky

Sit here with me as it grows far too late

Let us ramble… pontificate

It is the time when REAL is relative

To what you are willing, or unwilling to give

What do you stand for, as you stand beneath these stars

Can you sculpt something beautiful from the passage of scars

Or are you a detriment to my current of flow

Have you no mind that seeks the puzzle of prose?

 

In this moment I am shifting, evolving as it were

I make no apologies, I’m not a caged bird

A thought flies now to the roots of the matter

Where shaky insights inevitably shatter

Why always the moment unspoken, un-captured

That holds the ever present rapture?

I try in vain, to convey this wind

How it stirs the plants, the trees, my skin

How cold cuts sharply into my wit

Revolves around the chair I sit

Spinning these words, these thoughts to you

And in this moment the current is true

So I thank you dearly for tossing with me

In choppy currents as I find the sea

As every river does, in its eventual course

With gentle persistence, and awesome force